Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
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me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.