Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
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ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
“i am a sweet baby”
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day