My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
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[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.