Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
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My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
The old gods are rising again.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.