I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
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“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
nice challenge
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.