I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
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Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Happy Thanksgiving
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.