My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
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Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.