“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
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Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!