i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
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This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
scares
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
choose your fighter
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body