If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
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Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
The news
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Grandmother clock.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.