Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
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Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’