Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
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*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?