My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
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Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
The biggest mystery of our time
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you