That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
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Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
what
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
If you’re testing me, we failed.