When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
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Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.