Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
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There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
*me flirting
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
A choir of Spring onions
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
I see your IQ test came back negative
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row