[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
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I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.