So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
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Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
felt that
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
how to exercise your calf muscles
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again