[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
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A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Hmm, not sure about this change
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
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