My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
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Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Is your wife single?
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji