Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
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My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Finally, a door that understands me
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
*lint rolls you awake*
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak