According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
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[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.