A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
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Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My dad teaching me to drive
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically