if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
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Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage