*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
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The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over