Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
23. the denim jacket
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb