Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
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*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…