Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
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wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”