Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
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It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.