It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
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“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
☺️
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
awesome draft from months ago i just found
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one