“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
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I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair