I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
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Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Bike for sale
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.