[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
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One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
If looks could kill
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.