*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
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That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom