@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
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Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Anyone want a chair?
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
My plans: 2020:
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”