Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
You Might Also Like
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”