I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
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[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus