Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
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Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.