The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
You Might Also Like
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.