If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
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I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Okey dokey.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one