*leads a conga line off of a bridge
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Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.