My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
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Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.