why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
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tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I forgot how to panic. Help
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.