The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
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Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!