The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
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Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.