Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
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A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
All generalizations are stupid.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know