Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
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*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Meanwhile in Canada…
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird