@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
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I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles