*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
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mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
*puts my mental health in rice
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber