They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
You Might Also Like
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.